Saturday, January 25, 2014

Throughout my previous relationship, I had always resorted to this space for solace. Writing is comforting. Writing and knowing that someone out there reads it is even more comforting. I turned to my close friends once in a while, but never too often, because I know how tiring it is to always have to listen to a negative friend rant about her empty glass all the time. So I took it all out on this space - I saw it as an outlet for my emotions, and used it as a means of catharsis.

Ever since I met S, things took an immediate change. My heart no longer felt heavy, the mood here naturally became lighter. I have finally found the kind of relationship I have always wanted / I must have done something great! I would watch him sleep in the middle of the night and start tearing because, You are so perfect / How did I get so lucky? / It is such a blessing to hear you snore. 

Everyone on my side thinks we are so sweet together, because I have displayed only the best parts of our relationship online, on social media. Even during bad times, I have never spoken about it to anyone.

Things have been far from amazing recently, and I am at a loss.

They say, "Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I need it the most," which I finally understood. Behind the anger lies a ravenous desire for love, and madness is but a veil I wear to hide my vulnerability. I want to be a clam surrounded by four huge walls: cold, tightly shut, and impenetrable. I don't want to be vulnerable. But to love is to be vulnerable.

We are growing apart. We are not the same people that we started out to be. Maybe it's expectations, maybe it's limits, maybe it's neglect. Jeanette Winterson would concur,

"What kills love? Only this: Neglect. Not to see you when you stand before me. Not to think of you in the little things. Not to make the road wide for you, the table spread for you. To choose you out of habit not desire, to pass the flower seller without a thought. To leave the dishes unwashed, the bed unmade, to ignore you in the mornings, make use of you at night. To crave another while pecking your cheek. To say your name without hearing it, to assume it is mine to call."

3 more days to our 13th month.


Anonymous said...

Hi babe, I can totally relate to you on this post and it's true that as we get older we seek a committed relationship whereby both parties are willing to put in the effort to work harder to build a stronger and deeper love. But I guess with time, brings comfort and with a certain level of comfort, people tend to take things for granted because everything else seems "settled down". It's the same for any relationship, as months go by, we find that the little gestures that once reminded us of how special and valuable we are no longer show. We take "dates" for granted because we're always seeing the other half, and things have sort of became a routine and "expected."

I just recently passed my 1 year mark, and this was the kind of relationship that went from "so mushy in love it gets everyone sick" to "well, everyone thinks it's sweet only because we don't want to shame our other half." You probably get my point... But what I suggest (it's starting to work out a little for me) is to spend a day.... just looking through old photos of how you both started out, tease each other about the little things you guys once did to "woo" or get each others attention. A good laugh will put you both in a lighter mood... and ultimately, it is about cherishing each other and loving each other enough to know that you both deserve the best.

Big hugs to you babe <3
stay strong!

Kathleen said...

Hey thank you! That's very sweet, and I really appreciate that you took time to say something so nice to me. :') I hope my relationship works out, and I sure hope the best for you too, because you deserve it xx