Monday, October 15, 2012


This is how it has always been, and will always be:

You have to be aesthetically pleasing. You have to be sexually appealing. And by society's standards, it means big boobs, perky ass, hot legs, and perhaps long luscious hair. You don't necessarily need to have the best face, because your curves will be able to make up for it. But having the perfect set of seductive eyes and sexy lips, on top of that voluptuous body? Fuck yes, all hail The Goddess. You will rule, and boys will drool.

Without even trying, you will have all the attention of the XY. You will be the object of desire. You will ooze sexuality. You will be the life of the party. All eyes on you, baby.

Your character, your personality, your eloquence, your sense of humor, your amiability - things like these are currently irrelevant. They are important, but not at this point. Because who gives a shit? No one with a dick approaches you because you have a brilliant mind. And he definitely isn't talking to you because you have a big heart.

The not-knowing is thrilling, the ambiguity is intriguing, the novelty is captivating. You just have to be physically attractive. And you win.

And me? Still struggling to keep my head above my sea of insecurities.


Anonymous said...

kat this is really superficial... if everything is about looks, then looks is what you will get. besides you're already so pretty. everyone says so and agrees. you are the only one who wants more

Kathleen said...

Yeah I know this is superficial, and it IS precisely my point. This world is superficial. Some guys are superficial because they think with their dicks. They can have a perfectly nice girl and still eye-fuck another. They can be happy with the girl they already have and STILL be tempted.

Let me ask you something.

If you're a girl, have you ever caught your boyfriend checking another girl out as though he wanna fuck them? Have you ever been out walking with your boyfriend and he looks at another girl like she is some kind of sex goddess he has never seen in his life? Has he ever tell you in your face that he thinks so-and-so is "very beautiful"? If you're a girl, the guy you love ever pointed out attractive girls to you and tell you how fucking nice their boobs are, or how they will make a "trophy girlfriend"?

When you are jealous about one of his closer female friends, has the guy you love ever said, "you're jealous cus you know she's hot right". And has he ever said "you know all of my good female friends are of some standard. what to do?"

Has your guy EVER done ALL of that to you? HAS HE? Do you know how it fucking feels? Well, I DO. I went through all of it for the longest time. I took it all in I held it in I let all of it destroy my self-esteem and right now all I am left with are insecurities. Insecurities that you will NEVER, EVER, understand, unless you have been through the exact same thing as I did.

So you have no right at all to assume I'm the only one who wants more. I am not. And neither do you have any right to tell me I'm superficial.

You do not and you cannot and you will never understand how I feel. I'm sorry if I sound too harsh. This is a very personal issue to me and it is something that I have been trying to cope with and something that is seriously completely driving me nuts.

Have a nice day.

Cherry said...

hi kitty kat~ haven't seen you for the longest time. missing the big lepak grp days! hope things get better for you soon! give you a balloon ~o hahaha <3 <3 :)

Kathleen said...

Thanks cherry :') and I hope things are well for you too. <3

D said...

Take a look on the positive side of things. Everyone has their insecurities but what is most important is to keep smiling no matter what because you never know who else might be falling for it. Cheer up! =)

Kathleen said...

Thank you, D.

Anonymous said...

I wrote to you on your formspring once and while I felt like maybe it wasn't right for me to be so mean towards T on a public space, I just can't stop myself now, given what he's said and done to you.

Kat, you're BEAUTIFUL. You have both brains and beauty and you care about the things around you. Why on earth would you let anyone let you feel like you're anything less than special? Who the F cares about the size of your boobs or how perky your ass is? Maybe you're right, maybe boys who think with their dicks do but you deserve infinitely better than dickheads like that.

Finally, can I just reiterate the ABSURDITY of the situation? WOMAN YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, and T is REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, NOT.

Sorry for being so mean but WTF if he can even begin to THINK that he deserves better he must be deluded as hell. When I first saw him I honestly couldn't understand what in the world you saw in him (sorry, but he can't really pass off as a charmer or an intellectual either) and he has the nerve to comment on looks AS IF he has any to begin with.

The irony of the situation is ri.don.ku.lous.

I just hope you know how beautiful you are

again, I apologise for being so mean. Even a shithead like him doesn't deserve that (so clearly you deserve more.)

Kathleen said...

Hello, thank you for trying to make me feel better again and again. I really appreciate it.

Firstly, I would like to clarify that all these absolutely insensitive and mean things were done in the past - last year, and earlier this year. The point of my post was how crippling my insecurities are, the post was about me. I didn't intend to shed such a bad light on him. And now I feel terrible.

Secondly, he admitted that he was an asshole, and he's been trying time after time to give reassurances. He's trying to help me with my insecurities because he knows he contributed largely to this. And even though he was an absolute jerk in the past, I think he deserves some credit for the effort he's putting in right now. It's just that my insecurities are really terrible, they are preventing me from moving forward, stopping me from giving him trust and the benefit of the doubt. I am just too afraid to be hurt again, the same way, by the same person.

Thirdly, I can't deny that I blame him for those bad experiences. I do. I get nightmares sometimes about him and other girls and literally wake up in tears. I blame him, but the fact that I am still with him shows that I can forgive him for all of that. Because to the people who matter the most, sometimes what you have to offer is forgiveness, even if you can't comprehend it. I can forgive him, but I simply cannot forget.

Lastly, if I hate that he is so easily attracted to looks, then I shouldn't be judging him based on his. He may not be the best looking of them all, but the thing is neither am I. Aside from all the girl issues, he is perfect for me and when we spend time together he makes me so happy. I really love him. More than you can ever imagine.

And thanks for being so kind to me. :) But I just feel like I have to say something in his defense.

Kathleen said...

And for the record, he is charming, and intellectual. :) He is the worst, but also the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Anonymous said...

"Some guys are superficial because they think with their dicks. They can have a perfectly nice girl and still eye-fuck another. They can be happy with the girl they already have and STILL be tempted."

this is so damn true honestly guys really think with their dicks. where the pretty girls go, their dicks follow. wise words there. i do hope T reassures you enough. i know what it feels like to feel like you're never enough. but, i think you have a lot going on for you so... i hope this phase gets over for you two, soon. you're good for him :)

- rebecca lim

Kathleen said...

Thank you Rebecca. :) I really appreciate it.