Tuesday, October 16, 2012

I don't appreciate being completely misunderstood. Well, I saw this coming, haven't I? At least one person will make it sound as if he/she knows me so damn well based on a single blog entry, and leave me with a comment that illustrates a lack of understanding about what I wrote.

You don't know what I was put through, you don't know the things I have witnessed with my own eyes, and you don't know what kind of things were said to me, all of these things, by the person I love the most. The crippling insecurities I have now stemmed from all these experiences I have faced over a prolonged period of time and if you don't know any of it, you really don't know shit.

Nobody - and I repeat - NOBODY, will ever get where I am coming from unless they have been there. You DO NOT and you CANNOT and you will NEVER understand exactly how I feel, and how fucking difficult it is for me to cope with this handicap. I really don't expect anyone to understand, but what I hate getting is stuff that sounds like I'm the superficial one and I'm just asking for more and more when I'm already good enough.

NO, I am not the one who wants more. The one who wants more is the one who has me, but whose eyes I can't keep on me. And NO, I am not good enough. I can have a hundred people telling me I am. But if the one I love the most is so damn easily attracted to another for her looks, then no, I am never fucking good enough. And I will never be.

Maybe I am being too sensitive about a harmless comment maybe it's just late at night maybe I just need some sleep. But it does not change the fact that this is a very personal issue to me and I feel like I will never be able to feel better because there are just some things you cannot change, and every single time I am at this I have to break into tears. So fucking hopeless.

Things are better now. But I can't just deny that my past experiences have shaped me into who I am today.


Anonymous said...

Hey kat, I was the one who posted the previous comment that (I think) led you to post this.

Anyway I think you have taken my comment the wrong way, and also I admit that it is hard to portray tone across the internet.

Anyway, no I was not meaning to hurt you, my intention was something like to say "hey kat, there are other things out there, you just need to let go some of it and open your eyes to the possibilities"...

Anyway, when I say superficial, I meant more like "hey look, don't you think that what you are focusing on right now might be a little too much on the surface?" yes, I might not know you well, and you may not have disclosed your entire life here on your blog, so it is unfair for me to judge, BUT, based on your post, as an external party, I would just hope that you can see that there is more to it, although yes I agree with you that it is hard. First of all, the screwed up entertainment scene is just as what you recently posted. Like a demon.

Second of all, it doesn't seem like your bf is helping la lol. I read the other comments, I know you didn't intentionally want to put him down, but you should also ask yourself why it suddenly unintentionally did? I won't tell you stuff like "he's not good for you" or whatever, because I don't know him. And reading your comment it seems like he seems to be helping you and is regretful of his past actions? so that's your call. But no, there are good guys in the world. I didn't experience my bf telling me about other girls or looking at other girls...

Anyway, I just wanted to clarify that I did not have harmful intentions. I just wanted to say "look there are more things", or "perhaps if you saw it this way".

And when I say that you're really pretty. It's true. When friends talk about pretty girls my first reaction is "eh there is this girl, kathleen..." lol. Really.

Anyway, hope you clear things up soon and cheer up.

Kathleen said...

Hello! I know you didn't mean any harm and I know you just wanted me to feel better that's why you even bothered to leave a comment. I was just too emotionally charged. :( Talking and thinking about it makes me tear up because it is really, really difficult for me. And I just felt worse when I read that comment because the last thing I needed was to be misunderstood, and my insecurities trivialised, esp when no one knows exactly what I have been through. Cus what people see is how upset and insecure and superficial I seem to be, but they don't see the nights I spent crying my heart out in my room, they don't know hard I've been trying to cope with this, and they don't know how badly it's been affecting me.

But anyway, thank you. I appreciate it. :)

Anonymous said...

jiayou! :D you have lovely friends who are always by your side! you can always lean on them for help ya?

Anonymous said...

Anyway, I'm not a guy la but I don't think all guys think with their dicks, hahaha but there are good guys out there. perhaps you have not had the chance to meet them, but anyway that's not the point. LOL, you already have a bf so I shouldn't be telling you otherwise. Maybe your bf just needs to change too ^^

you both can work on it together! :D

Kathleen said...

Yep thank you.