Tuesday, July 24, 2012

It was Day 3

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ASOS; odette new york

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Wild Truffled Mushroom @ Skinny Pizza on a Sunday night. My love for mushrooms will never die.

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Hahahahaha so cute.

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He's strong,

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but I'm obviously stronger.

We went to the arcade on Friday night. I'm extremely pleased with myself for beating him at Tekken in all 3 rounds ^__^ (just let me boast about it one more time). We played shooting games which I lost, and he suggested Tekken, full of confidence that I was gonna lose again. He really underestimates me sometimes.


Once in a while, in the midst of all the hustle and bustle, it's always good to spend some quiet time alone. I start by sitting at my desk. I then stare into blank space, and I eventually find myself reflecting upon recent happenings. The things I've said, and the things I wish I'd said. What I've done, and what I wish I'd done. Soliloquies take place in my head. It makes me realise many things I wouldn't have.

Saturday night we had a huge fight in the car. Which lasted for more than 2 hours. We can fight about this same damn thing over and over it's not even funny. I had no intention to go home, but I told you I wanted to anyway. You were so angry you vented it on the accelerator. I hate it when people speed. I hate it even more when people speed with me in the car. Emotional driving is dangerous and stupid. I was so scared I asked you why you were driving so fast. You said you were "fucking pissed off" and then carried on with your reckless driving. I just cried harder. 

Every time we have a confrontation face to face I find myself hopelessly lost for words. I get extremely upset, I refuse to talk, I refuse to answer questions, I refuse to ask, I simply refuse to open my mouth. It isn't because I am not listening and it isn't because I am indignant and I choose to ignore you, but because trains of thoughts from all directions keep coming and colliding and coming and colliding and I have no idea which mess to clear first. I have a lot to say, but I can write way better than I can articulate it. And because I feel like I'm about to burst at the seams with everything unsaid, my tear ducts always do the work.

I felt terrible and guilty for making you feel the way you did, but I was outraged by how you always make me feel inadequate and inferior, like I can never and will never be able to measure up. I felt so angry at the fact that you never understood it, and never realised how awful I feel with my self-esteem hanging by a thread. I was helpless and heartbroken and exasperated because you pushed me away again, and you actually doubted what I thought was unquestionable. I cried so hard that night.

With all your words and questions, I felt like my head was gonna explode with all those thoughts that were dying to be verbalised. It was so overwhelming that I had to abandon those thoughts. I was crying and crying and all I could think of, and all I wanted to tell you wasn't "I'm sorry", but "I love you". I love you I love you I love you, I replayed it over and over and over in my head. I didn't say it, I couldn't say it, but I wished as hell you heard it. And my heart just ached more.

I went back with you in the end. Partly because I would never let you drive back alone with such speed. But mostly because I really wanted to stay with you, no matter how you made me feel.



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