Tuesday, July 24, 2012

It was Day 3

ASOS; odette new york

Wild Truffled Mushroom @ Skinny Pizza on a Sunday night. My love for mushrooms will never die.

Hahahahaha so cute.

He's strong,

but I'm obviously stronger.

We went to the arcade on Friday night. I'm extremely pleased with myself for beating him at Tekken in all 3 rounds ^__^ (just let me boast about it one more time). We played shooting games which I lost, and he suggested Tekken, full of confidence that I was gonna lose again. He really underestimates me sometimes.

Once in a while, in the midst of all the hustle and bustle, it's always good to spend some quiet time alone. I start by sitting at my desk. I then stare into blank space, and I eventually find myself reflecting upon recent happenings. The things I've said, and the things I wish I'd said. What I've done, and what I wish I'd done. Soliloquies take place in my head. It makes me realise many things I wouldn't have.

Saturday night we had a huge fight in the car. Which lasted for more than 2 hours. We can fight about this same damn thing over and over it's not even funny. I had no intention to go home, but I told you I wanted to anyway. You were so angry you vented it on the accelerator. I hate it when people speed. I hate it even more when people speed with me in the car. Emotional driving is dangerous and stupid. I was so scared I asked you why you were driving so fast. You said you were "fucking pissed off" and then carried on with your reckless driving. I just cried harder. 

Every time we have a confrontation face to face I find myself hopelessly lost for words. I get extremely upset, I refuse to talk, I refuse to answer questions, I refuse to ask, I simply refuse to open my mouth. It isn't because I am not listening and it isn't because I am indignant and I choose to ignore you, but because trains of thoughts from all directions keep coming and colliding and coming and colliding and I have no idea which mess to clear first. I have a lot to say, but I can write way better than I can articulate it. And because I feel like I'm about to burst at the seams with everything unsaid, my tear ducts always do the work.

I felt terrible and guilty for making you feel the way you did, but I was outraged by how you always make me feel inadequate and inferior, like I can never and will never be able to measure up. I felt so angry at the fact that you never understood it, and never realised how awful I feel with my self-esteem hanging by a thread. I was helpless and heartbroken and exasperated because you pushed me away again, and you actually doubted what I thought was unquestionable. I cried so hard that night.

With all your words and questions, I felt like my head was gonna explode with all those thoughts that were dying to be verbalised. It was so overwhelming that I had to abandon those thoughts. I was crying and crying and all I could think of, and all I wanted to tell you wasn't "I'm sorry", but "I love you". I love you I love you I love you, I replayed it over and over and over in my head. I didn't say it, I couldn't say it, but I wished as hell you heard it. And my heart just ached more.

I went back with you in the end. Partly because I would never let you drive back alone with such speed. But mostly because I really wanted to stay with you, no matter how you made me feel.

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