Tuesday, June 5, 2012

detachment, n.

I still don’t know if this is a good quality or a bad one, to be able to be in the moment and then step out of it. Not just during sex, or while talking, or kissing. I don’t deliberately pull away – I don’t think I do – but I find myself suddenly there on the outside, unable to lose myself in where I am. You catch me sometimes. You’ll say I’m drifting off, and I’ll apologize, trying to snap back to the present.
        But I should say this:
        Even when I detach, I care. You can be separate from a thing and still care about it. If I wanted to detach completely, I would move my body away. I would stop the conversation midsentence. I would leave the bed. Instead, I hover over it for a second. I glance off in another direction. But I always glance back at you.

― The Lover's Dictionary

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Zouk with Theresa on Wednesday!

Poor Hunter was shaking. Scared of thunder hahahaha so cute!


Hatched @ Holland V.

T came to Play on Friday (or was it Saturday? I think it's Friday)! :D Isaac was gone.

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T bought macarons for me hehe :* I love macarons.

The top button of my phone was malfunctioning so I went to have it replaced. I think I didn't back up properly so ALL MY CONTACTS are gone~ My Order Up!! game was also unsaved which resulted in the collapse of my virtual business. :(

Anyway, T took my phone to reply Nat and I took it back and he took it again and then I did, so...

These days I am a cauldron of emotions:

It's frightening, isn't it? How the same person is capable of building you up just to watch you fall. How this person could shred you into pieces, chew you up and spit you out, and then turn back around and make you feel like you're on cloud nine. Like nothing bad actually happened.

I feel so happy and apprehensive all at the same time that I feel like I need to cry. You make me so happy. But how long can it last? Am I gonna wake up and realize that I'm, yet again, stark naked in the battlefield - choking on your air of blithe indifference, and fully exposed to verbal attacks from your twelve feet fortress?

Insecure. As usual. As ever. What's new.

Wistful. Wish you didn't have to go back again in August. Wish we had more time together. Enough is never enough. How are we gonna make up for your 5 months of absence in just 2 months (++)?

Why am I holding back?

Sometimes I feel so guilty for being so harsh to you. Other times I feel like you deserved it for treating me like shit. I am sorry, but I am not sorry. I want to throw you off a cliff and then rush to the bottom to catch you. I want you to know how badly you have hurt me, but I don't want you to ever feel the way you made me.

Foolish. Stupid, stupid fool. I should have sprinted like hell and I never should have walked right back. How could I forgive you for the things you have said? Why did I accept the poor treatment?

But in this sea of feelings, for the first time in months, I feel loved. Despite the uncertainties and ambivalence I know you make me so happy. And I have learnt to be fearful of this kind of happiness. I am afraid of what happens when you stop. I am afraid of the exponentially increasing love I have for you again. I am afraid. And I will never be able to verbalise all these thoughts to you. Because once I start talking with stirred emotions I don't think I'll ever stop crying.

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