Saturday, April 28, 2012

Lone Wolf

DONE WITH FINALS! Got my hands on Jodi Picoult's Lone Wolf! :D The first thing I have always done after finals is to get a book.

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I wanted to show my excitement hahaha:
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I hate my eyebags and dark circles. They are not obvious here but other times they are so bad. I really hate them. :(

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Cover the gap with communication

"Minneapolis: You have to talk. A lot. Take all the gestures a so-called normal relationship entails: touching their hand, wiping their tears away, fingers through their hair, throwing crackers at them because you see them standing there and want to throw crackers. All of that is replaced with communication. Talk about the mundane. Talk about the news. Talk about your future. Tell a dirty joke. Run a gamut of emotion in whatever manner you need.

Detroit: Communication is all we have. We talk about everything. We’ve covered big things, like how we’re learning to let our walls down, and scars we both have from previous (not quite perfect for us) people. We break it up with smaller, fun things, like ‘did you see this video?’ or ‘did you read this article?’ We talk until we run out of topics and then we talk some more.

I imagine that if we lived in the same city, most of our time would be spent doing something together: Watching movies, reading books, and just being. But for now, we cover the gap with communication."

― Steven Magaret, Thought Catalog


Never heard silence quite this loud.

Monday, April 23, 2012


This scene reminds me of Vicky. "To bed, to bed, to bed." She was Lady Macbeth in a play presented by our class in sec four. And I played the role of Young Siward. I was supposedly slain so I had to die on stage and be dragged away. It was so embarrassing.

One paper down, three more to go. Come what come may, time and the hour runs through the roughest day. Strange feeling of joy to recall quotes from five(!!!) years ago. Like "there's daggers in men's smiles" and "there's no art to find the mind's construction in the face"and "unsex me here and fill me from the crown to the toe topful of direst cruelty". Ok enough of the Macbeth talk haha.

Ugc paper tomorrow. Screw my courage to the sticking-place and I'll not fail. (haha sorry can't help it)

Saturday, April 21, 2012

 “Sometimes I’m terrified of my heart; of its constant hunger for whatever it is it wants. The way it stops and starts.”
 ― Edgar Allan Poe

I found my gameboy color powerpuff girls cartridge!

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Korean bbq before work! Directly across the street from Play.

The iphone flash instantly Voldemort-ize people.


The very first thing I am gonna do after my last paper is to purchase Jodi Picoult's Lone Wolf from the bookstore. Freedom is just one week away. And I'll have it all figured out.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Read the news that 44 men, including 9 public servants, were charged for commercial sex with a minor.

Victims who are minors are protected by law, and therefore her identity can't be revealed. I can't comprehend why she's even considered a victim. Just because she's 17? Did she not openly advertise herself as a prostitute? Did she not engage in these sexual intercourses willingly? It's a biased point of view because I don't know anything about her background. And I have always believed in not judging prostitutes because many of them have mouths to feed, and basically a sad story. But when you're paid between $450-$850 for one session and you happen to be 17 years old, it's a different thing altogether. There's probably more to her story though, I don't know. And well, who doesn't love the idea of easy and fast cash? But I really don't think that merely being a juvenile should warrant her protection from the law.

As for the 44 men, why is it a surprise right? They deserve being charged, especially the public servants. So what if they didn't know that she isn't of legal age? Why is that even a valid defense, given that these established figures are the ones with supposed discipline and accountability, who are working for a bureaucracy that is believed to be uncorrupt? With wives and children? Men. Some of them are walking penises. Some of them think with their dicks and wind up taking the bait. Perhaps it's human nature, just so hard to resist temptations that promise any form of sexual gratification. Just take a good look around.

I know for sure there are still good guys around because I have met them. But for the most part, I have lost faith in men.

Sex sells. Sex always sells.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

2 Days In Paris

“To sum up the four hours of discussion that followed, it’s not easy being in a relationship much less to truly know the other one and accept them as they are with all their flaws and baggage. Jack confessed to me his fear of being rejected if I truly knew him, if he showed himself totally bare to me. Jack realized after two years of being with me that he didn’t know me at all, nor did I know him. And to truly love each other, we needed to know the truth about each other, even if it’s not so easy to take.

So I told him the truth, which was I’d never cheated on him and I also told him that I’d just seen Matthieu that afternoon. He did not get mad at me because nothing had happened, of course.

I confessed to Jack that the toughest thing for me was to decide to be with someone for good. The idea that this is it, this is the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. To decide that I will make the effort to stay and work things out and not run off the minute there is a problem is very difficult for me. I told him I could not be full with just one man for the rest of my life. It was a lie but I said it anyway. He asked me if I thought I was a squirrel, collecting men like nuts to put away for cold winters. I thought it was quite funny. Then he said something that hurt my feelings.

The tone changed drastically. Then I misunderstood what he was saying. I thought he meant he didn’t love me anymore and that he wanted to break up with me.

It always fascinates me how people go from loving you madly to nothing at all, nothing. It hurts so much. When I feel someone is going to leave me, I have a tendency to break up first before I get to hear the whole thing. Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story. I really love this one. When I think that it’s over, that I’ll never see him again like this, well yes, I’ll bump into him, we’ll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we’ll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost.

Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drink up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere. And after two years of loneliness, meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well.

There’s a moment in life where you can’t recover anymore from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you 60 percent of the time, well, you still can’t live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well, you love his sneezes more than anyone else’s kisses.”

Saturday, April 14, 2012


Hollywood infected your brain 
You wanted kissing in the rain 
Living in a movie scene 
Puking American dreams 
I’m obsessed with the mess that’s America 
I’m obsessed with the mess that’s America

Have always adored her ever since I came across "Hollywood" 2 years back. Loving her new track. What a doll. ♥

Come what may

Huge bruise. Bitten by drunk friend at Zouk for Afrojack. Yeah apparently human bites are full of bacteria, more lethal than dog bites or cat bites.

DIY manicure from a long time ago!

Skipped school on Thursday because I was having a slight fever with body aches. :( Stayed in bed the entire afternoon, and had to go to work at night. SURVIVED! I had dizzy spells and I thought I was gonna pass out on the way there. It was so scary.

Tongues like daggers. They cut you where it hurt before; and you wonder why old wounds never heal. But it reaches a point where even the bleeding stops. That's probably when you know you're no longer alive.

 Empty, empty, empty.

Thursday, April 12, 2012


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Cherry drew Hitler + all of us! Haha how cute.

x Just two more weeks to go. I don't even feel like studying anymore. I can't wait to party hard.

x I'm falling sick. I can feel a sore throat coming. :(

x On the public transport I like to look at random commuters and guess what their favorite colors are by looking at what they're carrying/wearing.

x "Fingertips like shooting stars, soaring along the milky way that is your spine, circling rings like Saturn."

x My craving for sushi is back.

x Two nights ago I thought about the Wason four-card problem. Yesterday I thought a little about unconditional love and stupidity because someone pointed that out on FS. Also, the social exchange theory (which brings out that little bit of misanthropy in me, and which shed some light on what I have always been trying to figure out) has always been on my mind. Times like this I wish I could talk to somebody insightful and perceptive. Somebody that could challenge my beliefs and be challenged by me. Somebody that makes me doubt the validity of my own argument and whose reasons I could question. Wouldn't it be nice? We would never run out of topics. Mindless chatter would be so passé. Intimacy at a whole new level.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Hunny bunny

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x Porridge and chicken before work again. I'm starting to get sick of the chicken. Will choose the awesome tofu this week!

x Had to wear those bunny ears at work for Easter.

x Someone said something nice about my nose again. I hope everyone knows it's real. Because I have been asked if it's fake more than once.

x I spent the ENTIRE time in the shower thinking about the Wason four-card problem. I got the concrete version but I am still a little confused about the abstract one. I am not thinking hard enough. I will think harder to sleep tonight and I will enlighten myself by tomorrow yes.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

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Zouk last night for Afrojack!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Didn't I?

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I thought of what happened between us all the way from the end of 2010. I thought of how nice you used to be and I kind of miss that. I thought of how you left the first time and what it reduced me to. I thought of how I had to get over it but never actually gotten over it because I still thought of you once in a while. It was about 9 months? I thought of how you came back into my life and how it progressed into something else. Of course those times you pushed me away weren't at all pleasant. It was unpredictable. I was there when you needed me and was still there even if you didn't. It was a roller coaster ride, being brought all the way up just to be dropped down. I thought of how we started seeing each other and how happy I felt even though I didn't say it. I thought never walking away paid off. I finally felt, even for a bit, that I mattered to you. I finally felt that it was possible for things to work out. Even with the distance. I knew it would be very difficult, but that didn't stop me from trying. I took the chance even though I was afraid. And I believed that you wanted this to work too.

How naive am I? How stupid of me. You make it sound like I'm asking for the moon, when all I really want is for you to care about me. But you're too busy with all that's going on there. You're so occupied. And I miss having a real conversation with you. Or maybe behind the hustle and bustle you simply can't be bothered with me anymore. I can feel you forgetting me.

I saw this coming, didn't I.

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,

or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

What do I see in you? This is a question I’ve been asking myself all this while, a question that I don’t have any answer to even at this point of time.

I can think of a whole list of reasons that should be sending me away, and honestly I can’t even think of any reason that explains why I should stay – besides love.

I have thought about it for a long time, and I think we don’t need reasons to love somebody. We like somebody because they are funny, because they share the same interests as us, because they make us happy. We like somebody because. And we love somebody although they are not funny, although they don’t make us happy, although they can be insensitive. We love somebody although.

We don’t need reasons to love somebody. And I have no reasons for why I do. If I need a reason to love you, what happens then if you no longer possess that reason? There would be nothing for me to love. And if I love you for a reason, I can very well leave you for the same reason. 

I have been thinking about many many things recently. My mind never seems to rest. These thoughts are racing and incoherent and I just wish I had the time to pen them down.

Monday, April 2, 2012

On a brighter note,

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I love my nails. I shall get the other neon colours too. And I can't wait for my parcels to arrive.
Just woke up from my nap with my bloody swollen eyes. :( 

Reached home. Broke down. Cried my heart out. Reread the vday letter you sent me. Reread our whatsapp convo. Thought of the times we had together before you left for UB. Listened to Back To December and thought of how it has always reminded me of you. Thought of this. Thought of us. Maybe I've always been a fallback, the one that never leaves. A lot of rethinking. It finally dawned upon me. And I made the most important realization, that should have already made me turn and run. Yet I am rooted to the ground. And I can't think of any explanation except for love.

Wish you were more sensitive with your words. Wish you were here. Wish I could see you right now.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Wind up

1. Fish face. Tweety bird face. Whichever. No duck face.
2. Maxwell chicken rice before work.

1. Bored and cold, working at Rewind.
2. China Glaze in Shocking Pink

I have always had insecurities. I am trying my best here to not over think, to not make a ridiculous fuss out of something trivial, to stop worrying and getting all paranoid. I am trying my best to put whatever I have heard and whatever happened in the past behind and not use it to somehow predict what could happen in the future. I am trying my best because I want to place my trust in him and I want this trust to be unquestionable. And not any anonymous on my formspring is going to stop me from getting there. If there is any urgent need for me to know anything then tell it to me non-anonymously. Otherwise, I hear it from him, not anyone else that I can't put a face to.