Saturday, March 17, 2012

!@#$%^

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Before I start on UGC again,

I just want to say that I really hate how I am right now. I think I'm becoming the very person that I told myself not to be. Pessimistic, irritable, whiney, full of complaints, paranoid, and mostly just fucking insecure. I am becoming increasingly insecure by the day. It's killing me inside and I abso-fucking-lutely HATE IT. I am so disgusted by how much I think and how easily I cry over such things. I don't even understand it, and maybe I should stop trying to figure out what would make me happy and what you could do to help me.

I decided to go back to work next week, despite the busy schedule. I am sick of facing the books everyday and then having to block unpleasant thoughts out of my head. I can be stuck on a page for an hour, I can read a sentence 20 times over, and it still isn't processed in my head. I scan line after line of words with my eyes but my mind is somewhere else.

I am so sick of how mundane and meaningless my days are. I need something good to happen. I need to do something positively crazy at least once every week to maintain my sanity, or what's left of it. I need to meet new people. I cannot be still and stagnant because it bores me terribly.

I want to channel this negative energy to doing things that are more productive I am sick and tired of thinking and overthinking and feeling all insecure I really hate it so fucking much and I am going to occupy myself with school and work and party and school and work and party I don't want any me-time anymore because I am just gonna have to face all my insecurities once again I just want to be so fucking busy and I wanna be breathless and exhausted BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO HAVE THE CAPACITY FOR NEGATIVE THOUGHTS AND I NEED TO CALM THE FUCK DOWN right about now.

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