Sunday, February 19, 2012

If only you knew how terrified I am

One of the worst feelings is wanting you to be here with me but knowing you can’t because you are more than nine thousand miles away. Thinking of the empty upcoming months doesn’t make it any easier but I can’t help it. I look forward to your return everyday and I think of all the wonderful things we would be doing together. I make up road trips and adventures and lazy afternoons in my head. I think of how wonderful it would still be even if we weren’t doing anything because just having you here is what matters most. And I think of how happy I would be.

If there was a list of things to be afraid of in LD I have exhausted that list. I have lost it once, but it doesn’t mean that losing it again would be any easier. I think of potential temptations. I think of lust. I think of trust. I think of feelings. The fears keep creeping in. I hate these insecurities that I have. I feel so scared especially when we fight. Because fighting exhausts both parties. Because sometimes all we need is a single touch to be reassured, but you are there and I am here and there is no physical contact. We use words to make up for the lack of physical intimacy and we all know words are never enough. Because people forget. They forget how it feels like to bask in the presence of each other. They forget how it feels like to be together. They forget how and why they fell for each other in the first place. The spark did not just disappear; they blew it out themselves. They tear down what they have built up with their own hands. They give up. And all it takes is just ONE party to lose heart, and everything else wouldn’t count.

You know how they always say that things like this won’t work out? That waiting is just a waste of time so why not save the fruitless attempt? People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are trying to.

When I agreed to wait I already knew what I was in for. To say that it’s agonizing would be an understatement, but I am not complaining. Because it’s gonna be worth it.

But I wish you knew how terrified I am.