Friday, December 16, 2011

Solo adventure

First time blogging from my phone. My stupid laptop crashed.

(-) All my files are gone. Songs. School documents. Favorite poems and quotes. Pictures. Everything. Gone.
(-) Terribly bored without a laptop.
(+) I am finally getting a mac. Ok hopefully.
(+) It died at the right time - end of the semester. If it'd crashed right smack in the middle of it I swear I would cry.

So we went over to Edlyn's place for Alwyn's birthday surprise. Happy 24th, Alwyn! We had crabs for dinner. 4 crabs, 11 people. And I only ate ONE LEG (or whatever it's called). And some bread dipped in chilli crab sauce. I think almost everyone was trying to get the best parts and I decided that I shouldn't simply because I was kinda lazy to. Twelve cupcakes for dessert! The red velvet didn't taste as good as how I remembered ("Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love." This sentence I heard from Snoopy's Fair seems to fit haha). But anyway it was great to see everyone again.

It would have been an awesome day if not for that one stupid dream I had when I took a nap in the afternoon. Have you ever had such a painful dream that you woke up in tears, or at least with an aching heart? Yeah that was it. It was a manifestation of my insecurities. The things I have been trying to turn a blind eye to. The things I have been trying to accept and not make a damn fuss of because I have no right to. The things that I can't change. It got me thinking again. I don't know how to handle it. I told you I had "a fucking bad dream" but I didn't tell you about it even though you asked. I just don't think it is necessary. I told you it's "nothing much" but the truth is it really hurts when I think about it.

On the way back to town from Edlyn's place I think I got teary-eyed on the bus. Especially after reading your messages. Because it seems like you are the busy one who has no time for me. Then I thought how ridiculous it was if I were to cry because my eyeliner would smudge. I didn't wanna risk looking like a panda-ish wreck so I tried to think of something else. I think I really needed a hug right there and then. I think I wanted to see you. But I didn't tell you.

I think that was why I kinda stayed mad and angsty the entire time. If I weren't in that mood I'm afraid I would remember how much it pricks. When I am upset I am more upset with myself than I am with you. Because I am so silly. But I am not mad anymore. And when I am not mad I morph back into this soft-hearted fool. Laying my heart right at your feet so you could walk over it just one more time.

On another note, I went home from orchard BY FOOT. First it was the ridiculous cab fare hike. Then it was the apology for an inconvenience caused because my train was not on service even though it was 2330. I have a straight bus home opposite Far East but the bus stop was apparently filled with desperate people trying to squeeze onto the already very packed buses with all their might. They stood on the road in an attempt to be the first to board. They also boarded from the back. I was surprised they didn't climb onto the roof. The arrival time for my next 143 stood stagnant at 14 minutes for about 15 minutes. I wasn't in a rush and I refused to take a cab so I tried walking to Toa Payoh from Orchard with the aid of Google maps from my handy dandy iPhone. I figured that if I lose my way I would then take a cab. I had to walk under this bridge and it was dark and I was scared because I was all alone at midnight. Sometimes I had to jaywalk because there was no pedestrian crossing at all and once I found myself in the middle of a junction. I must have looked like a fool but I pretended to be really cool about it. The walk took me a little more than an hour. Please don't think I'm weird haha anyway it was really satisfying.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

she left me 1 year ago. can i just say that i feel the exact same way how you feel. i thought no one cud understand how i feel day to day. thinking im desensitized to it only to wake up one day teary with an aching heart.
healing takes way too long eh... ?