Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Ignoramus

Yesterday when I was on the bus back home from school, it was the usual: ears plugged with my favourite songs, fighting the urge to break into a dance, appearing as if I was gazing into something but I was really just staring into space, unaware of my surroundings.

I was sitting right next to the exit. In front of me was a piece of glass, upon which I could see the reflection of myself, as well as the passengers behind me. I looked, and that was when I realised that on every public transport that I take alone, I trap myself in a bubble. That bubble is full of mirrors – so all I see is myself.

Sometimes when I’m on the bus, I don’t necessarily want to talk to people. I don’t even wanna do anything at all, but just swim in the music that saves me. After all we have 1000 songs in our pockets. It is an uplifting rush – the build-ups and breakdowns of trance music. It is escapism – even if it lasts for a mere 10 minutes. Almost completely oblivious to the things that are going on around me, unless I make the conscious effort to look. It is different with earphones off. I still hear without even trying to. I am aware.

It is so isolating that even my thoughts can’t reach me. I become so oblivious and so self-absorbed that I have no opinion about anything because I notice nothing. Is this not a problem?

Sunday, November 27, 2011

If your heart is open it can never stay broken

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Went Chinatown for some spicy food. Short was sitting opposite me when we were eating and when I looked up she was perspiring SO MUCH I thought she was sitting in the rain.... hahahahaha I kid but she was literally dripping in sweat. The amount of tissue she used hahaha.

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I was trying that photobooth stuff in Snoopy's Fair haha. I love the things Charlie Brown says hahaha. "Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love." "If it goes without saying, why did you say it?" "I have developed a new philosophy: I only dread one day at a time." I am not gonna delete it like how I did to Smurfs' Village!

AND I AM FINALLY DONE WITH MY MUS113 JOURNALS. Last day of school tomorrow before study break. Hell yeah.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Takotsubo cardiomyopathy

What's with this emotional eating? I used to lose my appetite whenever I'm going through something like this, but this time I keep feeding my feelings. It's as though I'm hoping that stuffing myself with food would fill the emotional void in me. Except it doesn't.

I have been mistaken and misunderstood, and my words misinterpreted. I have given an explanation on my part, but I guess if an image like this has been imprinted this hard, nothing I say is ever gonna change that impression. I should probably just shut up from now on because my best intentions never ever do any good anyway.

I woke up today with disgustingly puffy eyes. Most of the time if I want something, nothing will ever exhaust me. But this I should probably just give up. Because it's one-sided. Because I look at you with feelings and you never gave me a single glance. Because it feels like hell to be built up just to be torn back down. Because it hurts so bad to hold on to something that only exists in my head. Because I don't know what else to do.

:'( Guess I'll never see Hunter again.


“I gave him my heart, and he took and pinched it to death; and flung it back to me. People feel with their hearts, Ellen, and since he has destroyed mine, I have not power to feel for him.”
― Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights
So fucking tired of bawling my eyes out. Heart hurts like fuck.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

UB Pageant/Bash

Saturday: Zouk. Nana!!!
I didn't bother looking for 2PM because I didn't know Nichkhun was part of them (?!). Some of my friends couldn't get into Phuture so we stayed in Zouk which was extremely boring. NANA SAVED THE NIGHT!!!

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:*

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Don't you think they look like 2 pairs of twins hahaha.

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CQL's face looked like it was gonna explode haha why do people turn red but I don't?

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Edlyn and Alwyn so cute!

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Ben was trying to look small.

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Haha Terence's brother!!!! Small boy qtpi!!! Carbon copy of him.

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Horny face 1.

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Horny face 2.

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Please just look at Alwyn again. Hahahahahahaahah. Save. Me.

I think I pissed a girl off yesterday at Zouk because I didn't know I was invading her personal space. Sorry stranger, I didn't mean it :( You really didn't have to stab me so hard with your eyes though.

Fabulous night aside, I hate how I am feeling right now. I gave up trying to figure out how you have such a hold on me. I have been desperately looking for any kind of distraction everywhere, trying to convince myself, but it took you a mere few words to bring me right back to where I started. I guess it's true when they say you can't run away from yourself.

I can't remember how I managed to remove my makeup, change out and wash up last night. But I can remember how I started tearing right after I hit my bed. Because we don't forget pain. I must have thought of you.

And what is most pathetic is if you want me to, I would. Tell me I'm a fucking fool.