Saturday, January 22, 2011

Holding your scarred heart in hand, it's all the same.

I keep waiting to wake up. To have someone surprise me with a hidden camera and tell me this is all a big joke. But no one surprises me, and I wake up every morning with the same heavy heart and nothing's changed.

My motivation for school (especially), and for everything else is - completely - gone. I can't distract myself by throwing myself into studying. I get distracted from the books instead. I really don't wanna go to school anymore. It adds on to my problems. And I'm not gonna do well for this semester anyway. So much for thinking that this sem would be a better one 'cause there's you. But I was living in a bubble and there's no you.

I kinda slept through the day and I woke up not too long ago. This is all I can possibly do now. Sleep. Best of both worlds. I had a few nightmares again and guess what? You're in every single one of them. What happened 17 months ago is happening again: nightmares, waking up with the worst feeling ever, losing appetite, losing interest in every other thing, looking bad... I've been feeling like shit and crying and thinking for one week already. When is it going to stop. ):

I don't need people to rub salt into the wound. Because unless I write all my thoughts down on a piece of paper and hand it to you, you don't even know half my life.

Gonna leave house soon. I really hope everyone else is happy. Don't be like me. It kills to be like this.


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