Monday, January 17, 2011

The cancer of never letting go.

On saturday night, I couldn't sleep till 5++am. Everything was in a mess. I felt exactly like how I did 17 months back. I needed to block out everything so badly. I didn't want to anticipate a message that wasn't coming. I didn't want to keep checking the time and drift in and out of my sleep. I needed a peaceful one. So I slept with my phone switched off. It was strangely tranquil. I even had a good dream. I woke up feeling happy for a fleeting second and it suddenly hit me that nothing was alright. There I was on my bed, trying to face another dreadful day with fear, regret and uncertainty.

17 months ago, all I looked forward to was sleeping. Isn't it awesome? You get to be alive and unconscious at the same time. Blessed, intentional blindness to everything that's going on around you. The worst part is always the waking up though. The immensity of the loss, the heavy heart that nothing can lift. Nothing, except for one.

But now I can't even sleep. I need some sleeping pills, a book, songs... or maybe I just need to stop thinking. And be happy. The distance that wedged itself between me and my happiness isn't the world. It is me, my thinking, the cancer of never letting go, is ignorance bliss, I don't know, but it's so painful to think, and tell me, what did thinking ever do for me, to what great place did thinking ever bring me? I think and think and think, I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it.

I'm so bad at handling disappointments and heartbreaks. And I mean real heartbreaks, those that eat you to the bone. I let my emotions take control, I cry and sob and tear and I lose all purpose and sense of direction for every other thing. Sometimes I get along fine. I get upset and all, but still fine. Those are the times that I actually manage to convince myself that there isn't any point in trying. Those are heartaches, not heartbreaks.
But other times I so desperately want things to turn out right. I want to be right. 'Cause these are the very, very rare times that I find someone worth trying with, and for. Yknow? These are the times I want to try. 'Cause not every damn thing is gonna be handed to you on a silver platter. Sometimes happiness doesn't just drop from the sky. And you don't give it up without one hell of a fight.

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